“It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer
This poem came to mind recently as I left Dorset for pastures new in Glastonbury. This time the part of the poem that jumped out was the bit about betrayals – have I been opened by them? I am not shrivelled or closed, my heart is still open to people, but was I opened by those betrayals? What does that mean?
Last week I sat in a lay-by pondering my circumstances and options. I had just managed to get up a winding forest hill road and find a safe place to pull over as my clutch finally burnt out. I was 2.1 miles from where I would be counselling someone in 3 hours. I was early as I had arranged to meet a friend for a catch up first. I texted her to let her know and she came to find me. My bladder decided it also wanted in on this drama. I smiled, no point crying, this is life – see the thread of humour George. I knew the moment my car died would eventually come, but I had no money to replace the clutch and even if I did this little banger would not make its next MOT due to the amount of welding. Another ‘Dorset’ relationship, over. My friend met me in the lay by with a drink of water and was amazingly quick at helping pack my car belongings into bags and into her car – my car is like a home so there was quite a bit of stuff! A local garage agreed to come out and tow away Noddy2 and I watched as he left my life 15 minutes later. It seemed like the last page of the Dorset chapter had turned and was now closed. There is a clip in a movie that came to mind for this moment – ‘The Money Pit’ with Tom Hanks who after yet another mishap on his money pit house begins to laugh in a ridiculous way, its hilarious. I am not sure how long this link will last but here. That was me last week.
Before I left Dorset a few things occurred to test my resolve. One of which was I heard something that once would have angered me – yet another persons betrayal – but it did not anger me in the same way. Not since a special equine therapy session last year, where a wise horse told me to make friends with my anger as its not going anywhere. It was innate emotion, there to protect and there for survival. Sometimes we are told we are not allowed to show anger, as children anger is not usually tolerated by adults around us. Some of us are even told its not ‘lady-like’. So it becomes suppressed within us in different ways, and this is what causes the issues not the anger itself, which if you think about it is quite transient. To reflect further, I was once quite passive and over many moons eventually learnt that it doesn’t pay to be passive, as in response people were quite nasty towards me or took advantage in one way or another. An art history performance called Rhythm 0 in 1979 conducted by artist Marina Abramovic disturbingly showed what could happen to a passive person with no boundaries. Reading what happened to this performance artist was chilling, someone tried to rape her, whilst another cut her neck and drank her blood. Interestingly when the performance was over and she became her ‘normal’ self the audience ran away as they couldn’t face her.
How some people treated me upset me, particularly family or those close at one time, my feelings grew into a despair, and at some stage anger surrounded my despair in a layer of protection. Stored-anger often surrounds grief and sadness and I wonder if at this stage is more accurately called resentment, one that can have an explosive state of rage. Anger if expressed at the time of hurt is usually released quickly and does not cause the injury that suppressed anger can. Releasing compressed-anger safely has been quite a journey for me. I have acknowledged all those times I have not spoken up for myself, all those times I have remained silent, all those times people have stepped over my boundaries because I did not make them clear enough, all those times I have put my dreams/goals/wishes to one side for someone else’s. My self-belief that ‘I am not as important’. I re-wrote my self-belief from childhood scripts, and got under my stored-anger layer. I am now working on releasing grief and despair – so really what better time to have some betrayal?
I recently came across two books and I love the way that happens when you are seeking answers. In ‘You can Heal your Heart’ by Louise Hay and David Kessler there was a perfect paragraph “every relationship is assigned to you for your healing. Grief after any relationship gives you the window to heal your wounds and begin anew. Each relationship gives you an opportunity to face your fear and anger, they give you the chance to come closer to authentic healing and true love“. In ‘Returning to Oneness, the seven keys of ascension’ by Leslie Temple-Thurston, I was drawn to chapter three – ‘the second key: Forgive all betrayals‘. How apt I thought as she explained ‘forgiveness’ clearly in a way I had not been able to comprehend before. Having the experience of betrayal and being third dimensional – so therefore in our ego states or analytical mind – we often ‘feel hurt, a sense of loss, breech of trust and even victimised’. We attract more of the same. I certainly did. The ‘tension of these experiences build up in the diaphragm’ – which is where I grew my cancer tumour of resentment – and this ‘tension-hardened’ muscle acts as a barrier between our base chakras (worldly consciousness) and our higher chakras (spiritual consciousness).
By meditating we can tap into our spiritual consciousness so we can explore further where we may be holding the hurt of betrayal, as it can store beyond our consciousness. I wondered if this is why we can take emotions such as grief with us into other lifetimes? I suspect I may have done this, which is why betrayal is being presented to me again – for healing. Can I be opened by it? See it as an opportunity to let go of it all and move forward to align to my souls purpose? Betrayal and resentment, hatred even, has no value to my soul, only love is real (which is another fantastic book by Dr Brian Weiss). Under parental control we became either; ‘dominant/ rebellious/ assertive’ or ‘passive/ submissive/ victimised’, I did fall into the latter, but became more rebellious and outspoken as life went on and my anger grew. When we are born it does not take long before we are plugged into what I refer to as ‘The Matrix’ (yes, after the movie of the same title in 1999). This matrix is one of control, of separation, and of games and drama of our own making. If we believe something was done to us, we feel separate – this is third dimension stuff. But we are also fifth dimension beings, vaguely aware that we are trapped in time and space in the third dimension experience but knowing there is something more than this, and perhaps questioning if any of this is even real? The truth is that we are all unified, part of each other, oneness. So I betrayed myself as much as I was betrayed, I chose to come here, I chose to create or be involved in all of my experiences, I chose my parents, friends, relationships – each presenting for an opportunity to heal the soul (from a fifth dimension perspective). The process of unplugging from the matrix can be hard, and if we don’t ‘take the blue pill’ and look around its all very familiar, we know this on some level. Can I unlock the second key and forgive myself as well as others? Can I be opened by life’s betrayals? As I sat in the horse field most of this week, car-less, with a wonderful herd of ponies feeling anything but separate, I suspect I may have turned the key of forgiveness.
In its place I have begun to create a new business venture with a friend, one who incidentally – for those of you who like to tie up loose ends – got me to my counselling placement in good time so I could complete my final session with my client and then drove me back home to Glastonbury.
Photo: Hope, Paintedhorse by George McBurney